SAYANG HIDAYAT HANDARIANTO BANYAK BANYAK!

hehe i know he wont check this but if you do, let the world know that i love you!

Tuesday

Life is wonderful, but there are moments of solitude. 

Currently in my room, I've just prepared a bolognese sauce that, although once a favorite during COVID-19 with my siblings, now tastes quite ordinary. 

Life is fulfilling but can be exhausting. 

In the next 30 minutes, I'll be heading back to university for a group project. 

Life is amazing, yet holds an air of mystery. 

The future is uncertain – I don't know my eventual profession or the partner I'll marry. But therein lies the beauty, doesn't it?

Oh, Hi 2024!

It's a beautiful morning, and I find myself indulging in the simple joys of life. As I sit down to write my first blog post of 2024, I can't help but marvel at the beauty that surrounds me. Despite the storm Isha gracing the UK with its presence, there's an enchanting allure that makes it feel like I'm nestled on the beach, waves whispering secrets in the background.

The day begins with the warmth of the sun streaming through my window, I just knew that people here called it "Apricity", an old English word for the warmth of the sun on a winter's day. My breakfast, a humble yet satisfying combination of bread and raspberry jam (always my favorite), sets the tone for a day of appreciation. And of course, no morning is complete without a cup of coffee, made perfect with oat milk – a small adjustment to accommodate my lactose intolerance.

It's been nearly a year since I last penned down my thoughts in February 2023. Today, as I write again, I can't help but feel a surge of excitement. Blogging has always been a special space for me, a canvas where I can paint my thoughts and share my experiences with the world.

Lets talk about a random topic, learning!

For those who know me well, it's no secret how much I adore the process of learning. From the thrill of not knowing to the joy of understanding, I find solace in the pursuit of knowledge. There was a time when I hesitated to embrace this passion fully, fearing the judgments of others who labeled it as mere "ambition." Little did they know, my love for learning goes beyond grades and scores, it's about the sheer beauty of discovering new things and weaving connections with the existing knowledge in my mind.

In a society that sometimes tends to undervalue the joy of learning for its own sake, I've learned to overcome the judgments. The term "ambis" (short for "ambitious") may have been thrown my way, but I've come to realize that embracing curiosity is a strength, not a weakness. Learning is not just a means to an end; it's a lifelong journey that shapes who we are.

Here's to more mornings filled with gratitude, learning, and the beauty that lies in every moment. Cheers to 2024 and the countless opportunities it holds!

Jawaban dari Pertanyaan Dua (Part 1)

Pertanyaan 2: Apa cita-citamu? Apa yang ingin kamu lakukan untuk menghasilkan uang?

Impian dan cita-cita selalu menjadi topik yang sentimental bagiku. Bagaimana tidak, sejak SD sampai kuliah, cita-cita selalu menjadi bahan bakar semangatku. Sesuatu yang membuatku terjaga sampai tengah malam untuk belajar atau pun membangunkanku saat subuh untuk bersiap-siap menuntut ilmu. Sejak saat itu pula, cita-citaku berubah berkali-kali. Mulai dari ingin jadi presiden saat SD, ingin jadi dokter saat SMP, lalu ingin jadi Menteri Pendidikan saat SMA kelas satu dan menjadi Menteri ESDM saat SMA kelas tiga. Kemudian pada saat kuliah, aku mulai menjadi seseorang yang realistis dan lebih spesifik, aku berkata bahwa aku ingin menjadi reservoir engineer, sesuai dengan jurusan yang aku ambil saat itu: S1 Teknik Pemrinyakan ITB.

Namun rasanya waktu sedang tidak berpihak kepadaku, di saat aku masuk jurusan setelah melewat masa TPB (Tahap Persiapan Bersama) pada tahun 2017, harga minyak sedang hancur. Banyak sekali kakak tingkat di jurusanku sendiri yang mengatakan,

“Di perminyakan nyari kerjanya susah loh.”

“Di sini pelajarannya susah, nyari kerjanya lebih susah lagi.”

Coba tebak bagaimana perasaanku? Perasaan anak muda penuh api yang bercita-cita menjadi insinyur perminyakan, yang baru saja masuk jurusan, namun impiannya langsung dipertanyakan oleh senior yang juga berasal dari sektor yang sama? Benar sekali, aku bingung dan kesal. Tapi satu orang, Kak Ravel namanya, membantuku melihat dari sudut pandang lain, katanya,

“Burung yang hebat tidak pernah takut jika ranting yang dihinggapinya patah, karena kepercayaannya bukan pada cabang pohon, tetapi pada sayapnya sendiri.”

Sejak saat itu aku berjanji, bagaimanapun takdir akan membawaku, aku harus belajar terbang di jurusan ini. Satu kalimat di atas juga yang membuatku kembali percaya bahwa kebaikan itu menular. Sejak saat itu aku berjanji pada diriku sendiri, tidak akan mematahkan impian para juniorku nanti ketika mereka memilih untuk masuk jurusan ini.

Ternyata memang benar apa yang kata orang terdahulu katakan, kita tidak bisa mengontrol apa yang orang lain bicarakan, namun kita sepenuhnya memiliki kontrol atas respon diri kita. Sejak masuk jurusan, aku bukan lagi wiran yang semangat dan berapi-api karena cita-cita besar jangka panjang. Alasanku berjuang bukan lagi melulu soal "hal besar". Aku menjadi seseorang yang semangat belajar dan berorganisasi karena aku ingin melakukan yang terbaik pada hari itu, terlepas dari apakah aku akan bekerja di sektor oil and gas atau tidak nantinya.

Tiga tahun berlalu, aku melewati masa perkuliahan di jurusan dengan sangat menyenangkan. Memahami pelajaran, mengikuti lomba, berorganisasi, berteman, dan masih banyak lagi. Bisa kukatakan tiga tahun itu merupakan fase hidup terbaik dalam hidupku.

Namun sayangya, lagi-lagi dewi fortuna tidak berpihak kepadaku. Aku lulus pada tahun 2020, di saat dunia sedang dihebohkan dengan virus covid-19. Banyak sekali pekerja yang kehilangan pekerjaan, perusahaan-perusahaan bangkrut, dan industri oil and gas melakukan ‘zero-recruitment’, bahkan harga minyak pun sempat menyentuh angka minus, pertama kali dalam sejarah. Meskipun aku sudah mempersiapkan diriku sejak awal untuk kemungkinan terburuk seperti ini, tetap saja rasanya dunia seperti tidak adil. Aku merasa seperti yang kulakukan selama kuliah menjadi sia-sia. IPK, sertifikat lomba, dan sertifikat organisasi menjadi tidak ada artinya. 

Namun pelajaran terbesar pada 2020 memang merelakan. Merelakan bahwa kita tidak bisa bertemu dengan orang-orang tersayang, merelakan bahwa tidak ada prosesi wisuda, merelakan bahwa kita bisa kapan saja mati dan ditinggal mati karena virus, serta merelakan bahwa cita-citaku sebagai reservoir engineer harus aku kubur.

Jawaban dari Pertanyaan Satu

Halo, apa kabar?

Hari ini aku kembali ke rutinitasku di Jakarta setelah 4 hari berkelana ke Surabaya. Rasanya menyenangkan sekali kembali ke Kota ini, dan seperti yang kalian tebak, aku sudah mulai terbiasa dengan Jakarta. Hiruk pikuk jalan raya, kemacetan, harga mahal pada buku menu di cafe yang tidak seberapa, manusia yang berjalan cepat mengejar transjakarta dan KRL, serta pemandangan seseorang yang sibuk dengan pikirannya di suatu kedai kopi -- persis seperti aku saat ini. Jika lebih dispesifikkan, tidak hanya pikiranku yang sibuk, ternyata satu gelas Latte di sudut Blok M ini berhasil menggerakkan tanganku yang malas untuk menulis dan menguraikan apa yang ada di kepalaku. 

Bicara soal hidup, dengan cukup bangga aku bisa bilang bahwa sedikit demi sedikit aku mulai menemukan jawaban atas pertanyaan-pertanyaan sederhana yang selama ini aku cari. Tulisan kali ini dibatasi untuk satu pertanyaan yang sering sekali kita dengar (karena pertanyaan yang lain masih belum ketemu jawabannya haha). Mungkin dulu saat kita kecil, pertanyaan ini sangat mudah dijawab. Namun, seiring dewasa segalanya menjadi lebih abu-abu.

Pertanyaan pertama: Apa Hobimu? Kegiatan apa yang membuatmu merasa senang?

Dulu, saat masih SD mungkin aku bisa bilang berenang, karena memang aku les renang bersama kakakku setiap akhir pekan. Saat SMP dan SMA aku akan menjawab bahwa hobiku adalah membaca novel, karena aku bisa diam saja seharian di kamar demi menamatkan sebuah buku. Pernah sekali aku membangunkan kakakku yang sedang tertidur pulas karena aku menangis sejadi-jadinya tengah malam akrena novel yang berjudul "Let Go" karya Windhy Puspitadewi. 

Lalu saat kuliah, aku bingung sekali, apa sebenarnya hobiku? aku tidak lagi berenang, tidak lagi rajin membaca, karena aku sibuk belajar, berorganisasi, lomba, dan bermain. Sisa waktuku dihabiskan dengan 'low leisure activity', yaitu scrolling instagram dan twitter. Semenjak kuliah aku selalu percaya bahwa hobi itu "overrated". Aku merasa tidak apa-apa jika tidak punya hobi, toh aku tetap bisa hidup dengan happy. Sekarang pun aku masih setuju dengan pemikiranku dulu, namun ternyata menemukan kembali hal yang membuat kita merasa senang sangatlah membahagiakan.

Semenjak thomas & uber cup 2021 silam, aku 'kembali' jatuh cinta dengan badminton. Mengapa aku bilang kembali? karena dulu pada saat SD aku sering sekali menonton badminton di TV bersama keluarga. Masih ingat waktu itu Taufik Hidayat bermain, dan aku membuat kertas dukungan dari HVS dan Crayon bertuliskan, "GO INDONESIA GO TAUFIK HIDAYAT". Tidak hanya itu, aku juga suka Lin Dan dan Li Chong Wei. Namun, aku memilih pensiun jadi BL (badminton lovers, istilah yang dipakai untuk penyuka badminton) karena idola utamaku, Taufik Hidayat, memilih untuk gantung raket. Kembali ke 2021, aku mulai kembali mengikuti turnamen-turnamen badminton, lalu setiap weekend sahabatku di Palembang mengajakku bermain, hingga akhirnya di 2022 memilih untuk nonton Indonesia Open pertama kali secara langsung di Istora. Setelah aku mutasi pekerjaan ke Jakarta, aku semakin rutin bermain badminton bersama teman UBALA (Dwije, Rilo, Nana, Febri, Dandi, Ardhy, dll.) ataupun teman jurusan (yuyun & luke). Aku juga rela mengurangi hari liburanku di Bali agar bisa menonton Indonesia Master agar bisa kembali 'mengistora'. Di Kantor juga aku dijuluki "Kemenpora" karena aku suka mengajak teman kantor bermain badminton. Bahkan atasanku membelikan 4 raket badminton untuk mendukung hobiku ini. Kalau ditanya apakah aku 'jago' badminton, jawabannya TENTU TIDAK. karena aku selalu kalah kalau main. Tapi aku tetap menyukainya! Bagiku badminton bukan hanya sekedar olahraga. Badminton bisa membuatku melupakan sejenak masalahku dan terbawa permainan dari para atlet. Turnamen badminton selalu hadir di saat aku sedang tidak baik-baik saja dan membutuhkan hiburan.

Ohiya, kalau bicara soal badminton, aku punya impian untuk menonton tim Indonesia bertanding di Olimpiade / Thomas - Uber Cup / Sudirman Cup. Semoga bisa terwujud, suatu hari nanti.

Kalau kamu, apa hobimu?

???????????

Kinda sad that I found out that my crush loves other girl (who is better than me I guess because she is calm and lovely haha). May be we just wont work and my fate is just being your friend, not more. Thank you for helping me passing my heartbreak on 2022 eventhough you will never realize it (cause you never do it in purpose lol) but just seeing your name in my notification makes me really happy. Thank you for giving those sparks and excitement, dear. Time to sign off, I'm no longer working on this feeling.

A Random Conversation

"Selama ini gw masih pity lu wir kadang2" 

"Tp baca itu, GA GA GA"

"Lu ga harus di pity in"

"Lu harus di selametin"

"Soooo, congratss"

My friend who realized that what happened to me at that time was surely a blessing in disguise & it happened beause God loves me that much. and now, 4 months afters this conversation, I finally realized it too. Mashaallah Tabarakallah.

Moment of Realization: What did We Lose?

"Kindness is universal. Sometimes being kind allows others to see the goodness in humanity through you. Always be kinder than necessary."

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Hello again, you! It's a Monday morning, and this post is written due to boredom in a morning briefing. 

Two days ago, my ex's mother (Mami) chatted me on WhatsApp, asking me whether I could accompany her & her family (Bapak & Bikngah) to go around Palembang. I said yes, as at that time, my plans were only studying, lying in bed, and watching the "Yang Hilang Dalam Cinta" series (which were not necessarily important).

I was delighted as it had been a long since I met them the last time. I visited the most legendary "Pindang Musi Rawas", ate durian from Lahat (honorable mention for my best friend, Nuel, who gave me 2 big boxes of durian FREELY after visiting Lahat), took a lot of pictures in Ampera Bridge & Benteng Kuto Besak a.k.a BKB, stroll around the iconic Palembang Icon (lol), and ate martabak HAR. (FYI, HAR stands for Haji Abdul Razak, the founding father). 

I found myself enjoying the trip so much, enjoying every conversation without faking or forcing myself. I love them as they were very humble, checked up on my conditions, and treated me as their child. It is a blessing to have people who care about you when you are out of your hometown—especially Bapak with his "jokes receh" which successfully made me laugh all the time.

However, what made moments from 2 days ago so special was non-other than a moment of realization. I realized that even though my past relationship ended, my relationships with the people who crossed with my life then are still maintained (Mami, Bapak, Bikngah, Ka Moza, Ferina, Rio, Ilham, Caca, etc.) And most importantly, the qualities within myself that I had built together remained. What I lost was just a person who did not commit to love me, which was not a loss after all.

My best friend, Hafizh, kept reminding me to do great for everyone. He made me remember one of my favorite songs from Hindia: Membasuh

"Cukup besar tuk mengampuni, tuk mengasihi

Tanpa memperhitungkan masa yang lalu

Walau kering

Bisakah kita tetap membasuh?

Kita bergerak dan bersuara

Berjalan jauh tumbuh bersama

Sempatkan pulang ke beranda

Tuk mencatat hidup dan harganya"

At the end of the day, you will be remembered more for your kindness than for any level of success you could attain. So, keep doing good! (a little reminder from me, to me).

When Was the Last Time You Cried because You Were Proud of Yourself?

It's a tricky question, isn't it? Especially when people start entering their twenties, their quarter-life crisis. In this stage, people start to give up their dreams and focus on boring routines; waking up on 5 am, preparing to go to the office, working at the workstation (with a little chit chat and laughter across tables), waiting for 5 pm but commonly 7 pm, being stuck in long traffic, arriving at home and going to sleep. I suddenly remember a line from a very phenomenal poem, "Menjadi Tua di Jakarta."

Alangkah mengerikannya menjadi tua dengan kenangan masa muda yang hanya berisi kemacetan jalan, ketakutan datang terlambat ke kantor, tugas-tugas rutin yang tidak menggugah semangat, dan kehidupan seperti mesin, yang hanya akan berakhir dengan pensiun tidak seberapa.

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In May, after crying over a very traumatic heartbreak, I started to think that I am failed as a person. I began overshadowing all aspects of my life with the sorrow I got from my romantic life. Later on, my family and friends kept reminding me that even though I failed in one aspect (even now, I realize that it was not a loss for me after all), it does not mean I will err on the other elements. I am still a good daughter who keeps catching up with my parent's daily conditions. I am still a great older sister who motivates and helps to pay the tuition fees of my brother. I am indeed still a great little sister who listens to my sister's stories and gives her outfit recommendations. Of course, I am still a great best friend who always tries to put myself in their shoes. And lastly, I could still become a great dreamer who will fight for my dreams until the end of my life.

Since then, I have started reflecting on "what I really want to do." This girl right here once dreamt of giving back to the society. This not-so-little girl once dreamt of creating her own human capital consultancy company. This ordinary girl once dreamt of living and pursuing her master's degree in London. Dreams that she never gets tired of carrying and believing. A plan that has been said a thousand times. With my swollen eyes, I called Dwije, my dearest best friend, who witnessed my sacrifices every night during college. I said, "Please help me. I've lost the one that I once loved a lot. This time, I don't want to lose myself either." As a result, we had a google meet almost every night after office hours, preparing the materials, giving feedback, discussing a scholarship that we are going to apply for, laughing over silly jokes, crying, laughing again, and most importantly, complaining that we are SOOO TIRED. 

With unstable emotions due to the past event and a powerless body, I managed to apply for the scholarship on 4th August 2022. Exactly three months after my traumatic break-up. That was the last time I cried because I was indeed REALLY PROUD of myself. I don't know whether I am going to pass the whole test or not. But despite the final result, I am beyond proud that I could finish my application. I still remember vividly how I could not even know how to breathe in May and June, I still remember how I thought I would not have a happy life right after that moment, I still remember how my whole life broke into pieces, and I had no idea on how to fix it. But look at me now, how I am handling my sadness, how I was tackling all the dramas I received in the middle of July right before the day I was going to take my IELTS test, how I am turning my dark parts in my heart into more flourish garden and start to allow people to help me taking care of that beautiful garden.

Well, for me applying for a scholarship is not merely an administrative process. It was a moment of realization that I am so much more than what I think. It was a long journey, a very long journey of dispairs and hopes, a bumpy road to finding myself.

For anyone who reads this (which probably no one), please wish me tons of luck! 

Midnight Writing

It's almost one 1 am in the morning and I haven't slept yet. I just scrolled my own blog and laughed a lot on how I documented a lot of my moments in this platform, WELL THEY WERE SOO TICKLISH LOL. Actually, what makes me stay awake this night is not only the aforementioned activity, but also the fact that I'm stuck with my scholarship essay. I know it's so naïve if I wish that I could be the awardee this year, as I just started preparing and learning from may after my last breakup. However, don't you agree that  it's better late than never? a friend of mine once said, either you earn or you learn..... so keep trying!

Anyway, I think I should force myself to sleep since tomorrow I should wake up early as I am going to be an MC for my own project. Don't forget to check @harapharapkecil to get the context of what I stated just now. Lastly, DONT FORGET TO BE HAPPY!

With love,

Wiran.