It's a tricky question, isn't it? Especially when people start entering their twenties, their quarter-life crisis. In this stage, people start to give up their dreams and focus on boring routines; waking up on 5 am, preparing to go to the office, working at the workstation (with a little chit chat and laughter across tables), waiting for 5 pm but commonly 7 pm, being stuck in long traffic, arriving at home and going to sleep. I suddenly remember a line from a very phenomenal poem, "Menjadi Tua di Jakarta."
Alangkah mengerikannya menjadi tua dengan kenangan masa muda yang hanya berisi kemacetan jalan, ketakutan datang terlambat ke kantor, tugas-tugas rutin yang tidak menggugah semangat, dan kehidupan seperti mesin, yang hanya akan berakhir dengan pensiun tidak seberapa.
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In May, after crying over a very traumatic heartbreak, I started to think that I am failed as a person. I began overshadowing all aspects of my life with the sorrow I got from my romantic life. Later on, my family and friends kept reminding me that even though I failed in one aspect (even now, I realize that it was not a loss for me after all), it does not mean I will err on the other elements. I am still a good daughter who keeps catching up with my parent's daily conditions. I am still a great older sister who motivates and helps to pay the tuition fees of my brother. I am indeed still a great little sister who listens to my sister's stories and gives her outfit recommendations. Of course, I am still a great best friend who always tries to put myself in their shoes. And lastly, I could still become a great dreamer who will fight for my dreams until the end of my life.
Since then, I have started reflecting on "what I really want to do." This girl right here once dreamt of giving back to the society. This not-so-little girl once dreamt of creating her own human capital consultancy company. This ordinary girl once dreamt of living and pursuing her master's degree in London. Dreams that she never gets tired of carrying and believing. A plan that has been said a thousand times. With my swollen eyes, I called Dwije, my dearest best friend, who witnessed my sacrifices every night during college. I said, "Please help me. I've lost the one that I once loved a lot. This time, I don't want to lose myself either." As a result, we had a google meet almost every night after office hours, preparing the materials, giving feedback, discussing a scholarship that we are going to apply for, laughing over silly jokes, crying, laughing again, and most importantly, complaining that we are SOOO TIRED.
With unstable emotions due to the past event and a powerless body, I managed to apply for the scholarship on 4th August 2022. Exactly three months after my traumatic break-up. That was the last time I cried because I was indeed REALLY PROUD of myself. I don't know whether I am going to pass the whole test or not. But despite the final result, I am beyond proud that I could finish my application. I still remember vividly how I could not even know how to breathe in May and June, I still remember how I thought I would not have a happy life right after that moment, I still remember how my whole life broke into pieces, and I had no idea on how to fix it. But look at me now, how I am handling my sadness, how I was tackling all the dramas I received in the middle of July right before the day I was going to take my IELTS test, how I am turning my dark parts in my heart into more flourish garden and start to allow people to help me taking care of that beautiful garden.
Well, for me applying for a scholarship is not merely an administrative process. It was a moment of realization that I am so much more than what I think. It was a long journey, a very long journey of dispairs and hopes, a bumpy road to finding myself.
For anyone who reads this (which probably no one), please wish me tons of luck!
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